What I’ve Learned About Gina’s “Nice” Behavior

Here’s what I’ve learned about Gina’s most recent behaviors—because on the surface, she may look “nice.” She sends gifts. Her last emails might even sound like someone who is “healing” and cutting out “toxicity.” But this is exactly how toxic people manipulate so well. They learn how to sound healthy while acting in ways that are anything but.

And when you’ve lived it, you can feel the difference.

The pattern behind the gifts and indirect contact

What Gina is doing is a form of emotional manipulation—almost like emotional “teasing.” It keeps me engaged and guessing without offering any real resolution, reconciliation, or closure.

Let’s be clear: Gina blamed me for an entire year of her actions and choices. She twisted my words, assumed the worst of my heart and intentions, and refused to actually communicate with me directly. The only “wrong” thing I did was finally being honest in my January 2025 email that I was hurt and confused after months of mixed messages, avoidance, and mean comments.

I wasn’t trying to attack her. I was trying to talk through my concerns with someone I trusted.

But Gina didn’t want a conversation—she wanted control.

So instead of talking to me, she ignored me. She stonewalled my attempts to work things out. She refused to explain what actually happened. And then she continued inserting herself into my life in indirect ways—texting my husband, sending gifts, and “showing love” just enough to look good… while still withholding direct communication from me.

That inconsistency is not accidental. It’s the point.

Why it feels so confusing (and why it isn’t “in my head”)

Gina’s behavior is designed to keep her in control and keep me unsettled. It’s indirect contact that feels “safe” for her (because she doesn’t have to face me or face what she’s done), but it still keeps her present in my life.

This is the exact kind of thing that makes a person feel like they’re going crazy—because you’re being told “space,” “healing,” and “peace”… while the other person keeps popping up at your door.

That is a type of gaslighting. And it’s something Gina and I used to talk about often with everything our MIL did. I’ve shared many examples of Gina gaslighting me over the years, but 2024 and 2025 have been the worst years of it by far.

What I believe Gina is doing (and why)

Here are the reasons this “teasing” behavior can happen—and honestly, I think Gina is doing a combination of them:

To maintain control. She controls the flow of communication and the terms of engagement. She gets to decide what’s allowed and what isn’t.
To stay relevant without accountability. She can stay connected to my close circle (my husband, my kids) without ever addressing the actual conflict with me.
To evoke a reaction. If I react, explain, confront, or try again, she gets proof that I’m still emotionally invested—while she stays emotionally protected.
Immaturity and avoidance. She cannot handle conflict head-on, so she uses passive, indirect methods.
Gaslighting and narrative control. By blaming me while acting “normal” to my husband, she subtly positions me as the unreasonable one. (Again—MIL did this for years.)

And this is why I haven’t addressed her gifts or her indirect contact. Because reacting is what she wants. She wants to know she still has access to my emotions.

And if I say something? She still won’t respond. Because in Gina’s mind, she has done “nothing wrong.”

This isn’t growth

As anyone can see, this is not what healing looks like. This is not what growth looks like. It’s not what emotional maturity looks like.

If anything, it’s like Gina’s years of therapy have just taught her how to use “healthy” language in a sneakier way—without actually doing the healthy work.

That has been one of the most shocking parts of all of this: she always seemed so aware of other people’s toxicity… while slowly turning around and doing the same things.

What I need to do to keep healing

1) Stop initiating contact

The power dynamic shifts when I stop “chasing.”

If Gina asked for space, I will give her space. Real space. Not this confusing half-contact that only exists when she wants to look good. I gave up months ago on reconciliation anyway—and honestly, I don’t want it anymore. She has been awful through all of this.

And let me be honest: my “apology” email was ONLY for the tone of my January 2025 email. I regret even sending it sometimes because I know who I am. Maybe that email sounded harsh, but she had said and done so many hurtful things for an entire year—and years prior. At the time, it felt like I was finally standing up for myself and saying, If you want to assume, judge, twist, and refuse to hear me, I’m not participating anymore.

I also sent a June 2025 email during a moment of weakness. It was habit. For YEARS, Gina was the person I emailed and texted constantly. Even if I didn’t send something that week, I was still working on messages to her. Hours every week.

It will take time to break that reflex. But now I know how to manage it: I can write what I want to say—without sending it. Last week I even started writing another message telling her how confusing the gifts are. I didn’t finish it. I’m not sending it. That is growth.

I also see the pattern now: Gina always wanted me to do the work. Chase her. Beg for forgiveness. Prove myself—even when I hadn’t done anything wrong. She made me work for her time and attention.

That is not friendship. That is control.

2) Set boundaries with anyone close to me who still engages

I’ve already spoken to my husband: no more responding to her. He has stopped.

I also asked him not to send Gina our Halloween costume photos this year, and he didn’t… but he sent them to his brother. I’m mad about that, because I know Gina will see them and judge me—she already judges my heart, my intentions, and my character, so why wouldn’t she judge how I look too?

And here’s something else I’ve noticed: my husband always has to initiate contact with his brother. Holiday greetings, check-ins—everything. This Thanksgiving, my husband didn’t text first, and guess what? His brother never texted him.

That says a lot.

3) Prioritize my feelings and accept I may never get closure

I have to accept that I may never get a real apology or a real explanation. Closure might never come from Gina.

So I’m choosing to create closure from within: accepting that the relationship has changed and moving forward without her.

4) A final message is an option — but I’m not doing it

If I absolutely couldn’t take it and needed to say something for my own peace, it would have to be firm and non-emotional, like:

“I acknowledge you need space and I will respect that boundary. I am hurt by your actions and blame, and I am choosing to move on.”

But I’m not doing that. Because the truth is: the best thing for my peace is full disengagement. She doesn’t listen, she doesn’t reflect, and she won’t suddenly start now.

So I’ll keep my words here—on my blog, and in my own private notebooks—where I can speak freely without being punished for it.

What the gift brought with it

I am not overreacting. This wasn’t “just a gift from her heart.” It arrived at my front door loaded with:

A year of being ignored
Her “I forgive you for my own peace” email while still claiming she needs space
MIL’s same “duty gift” tactics—love as a performance
Doing just enough to look caring to my husband
Writing “You all are loved” while intentionally keeping distance and refusing to talk

That line alone felt like a slap in the face.

And yes, part of me thinks: If I accept it, she’ll tell herself I’m agreeing that she was right.

The ADHD piece (and why it made me laugh)

I’ve only known for about a year that I have ADHD (along with anxiety). I saw a video this week that said:

“The ADHD urge to over-explain yourself hoping to avoid misunderstandings, but accidentally confusing people with your long explanations and causing misunderstandings.”

I laughed SO hard—because yes, I over-explained with Gina constantly, trying to prevent misunderstandings… and she still assumed and twisted things anyway.

But here’s the difference: Gina knew this about me. She knew I had the urge to over-explain and defend myself. And she used it against me—again and again—to keep me in a weak position.

The holiday pattern I can’t ignore anymore

Starting around 2020/2021, I noticed a pattern: Gina would spike my anxiety at certain times of the year—usually around holidays and birthdays. And it happened repeatedly from 2020 through 2025.

I researched this a couple years ago and even read about it in a book—how narcissistic people often target holidays and birthdays because the emotional stakes are higher. Gina read the same book and used to talk about it with me… about how MIL did it.

And now I’ve realized: Gina has been doing it too.

Holidays and birthdays are prime targets because they’re loaded with expectations—joy, connection, love. And for a toxic person, that makes it the perfect time to create drama, steal focus, test loyalty, or trigger guilt. They may “love bomb” with a gift and then devalue you through silence. They may play victim. They may stir conflict and then act innocent.

Even though we weren’t spending holidays with Gina, Joel, and their kids (because every time I tried, Gina had excuses), she still managed to do it through emails and indirect contact.

Where I’m at now

This is it for my update—and honestly, this is proof of what I’ve felt all year: Gina cannot help herself. She keeps popping up because she wants to stay in control. She wants me to say something so she can keep the cycle alive.

But I’m done playing.

I know I’m not truly loved or valued—not in any real way that shows up in actions. And neither are my kids or my husband, no matter what she writes on a gift message.

So I’m moving on. I’m staying away from her in every capacity—especially email.

And yes… sadly, my kids and I will be driving by her house again tomorrow, and probably stopping at the new Target nearby. I hate that she still exists as a “location” in my life right now. But even if I can’t avoid the road, I can avoid the cycle.

I may never get the explanation I hoped for, and I’m learning to accept that. I can’t force someone to communicate with honesty, and I can’t heal a relationship that the other person refuses to participate in.

What I can do is trust what I’ve experienced, honor the impact it’s had on me, and choose peace — even if she continues to stay unclear. I’m done reaching out, done chasing clarity from someone who won’t give it, and done allowing this to take up space in my life. From here forward, I’m putting my energy into what’s real, reciprocal, and safe.

I’m choosing peace — and I’m not negotiating that anymore.