The Double Standards that Always Left Me Questioning Myself

The next thing I want to talk about is double standards—because this is one of the biggest reasons I spent so long questioning myself and wondering if I was the problem.

Gina had a lot of double standards. I didn’t fully recognize them as such until she started ignoring me. Once that happened, I looked back on the relationship with clearer eyes and realized how often I had felt confused, guilty, or “wrong” for things that somehow never applied to her.

Here are a few examples that still stand out.

Why was it acceptable for Gina to go one to five months without saying a word and call it “healthy” because she had a baby, was working long hours, or was busy—but when I went quiet for two months once, during the pandemic, with a baby, a seven-year-old, and intense anxiety, I was attacked for it?

I was told I “should have communicated.” She assumed I “didn’t like her anymore.” A text conversation from before we were even friends was brought up and twisted to make me look cruel. I was called a liar for saying we never received a Christmas invite text from her husband—four days before Christmas—despite the fact that I had openly talked for a year about staying home because of the pandemic and a newborn.

She spoke to me with arrogance, like my one period of silence defined me as a bad friend. Meanwhile, her long silences were always justified. I could feel the hierarchy in her thinking: she worked more, she had one more child, her life was “busier,” and therefore her behavior was acceptable—mine wasn’t.

What hurts most is that I never liked going long without talking to her. I genuinely valued our conversations. I didn’t intentionally disappear. I was trying to respond thoughtfully, but drafts were lost, life kept happening, and I was overwhelmed. I assumed she would understand—because she always said she did. I also assumed that since she wasn’t reaching out, she must be busy too, and that giving space during the holidays was okay.

I was wrong.

She stayed silent for nearly five months—not because she was busy, but in retaliation.

Another double standard: why was Gina allowed to have worries, concerns, and even hurtful assumptions—ones I always talked through with her—while she shut me down and ignored the one concern I ever brought up?

And another: why was she “too busy,” we “lived too far,” and her schedule was “too unpredictable” whenever I invited her and her family to do things—yet she had time for others and expected us to attend her invites?

There are more examples, but these alone say enough.

What I was dealing with wasn’t confusion—it was a pattern.

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Understanding the Double Standard Dynamic

Looking back, I can see that this wasn’t just inconsistency. It was a deeper behavioral pattern.

• Lack of empathy. She struggled to see situations from my perspective while being highly sensitive to her own feelings.
• Narcissistic traits (not a diagnosis). Patterns like double standards, lack of accountability, and retaliatory silence are commonly associated with narcissistic traits. The belief is often: my needs matter more.
• Two sets of rules. There were “her rules” and “my rules.” She justified her behavior while condemning mine—even when the situations were nearly identical.
• Victim mentality. When I took time for myself, she immediately framed herself as the victim, assuming I didn’t like her anymore. That shift made me feel guilty—and it worked.
• Emotional manipulation. The five-month silent treatment after my one period of overwhelm was a punishment. It was meant to reassert control and teach me a lesson.

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Why She Likely Saw This as Normal

From her perspective, this behavior probably felt justified.

• She was the exception. Her reasons for silence were always valid. Mine never were. I could feel that judgment—that what I did at home and in my life “didn’t count” as being busy.
• Self-focus. Her emotional world revolved primarily around her own needs and experiences.
• Lack of self-awareness. She may not have recognized the hypocrisy because she rarely stepped outside her own viewpoint.

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What I Learned I Should Have Done

Or more accurately—what I would do differently now.

• Set firm boundaries. Be clear about what’s acceptable and what isn’t.
• Adjust expectations. Accept that someone who relies on double standards is unlikely to become a reciprocal friend.
• Prioritize myself. Taking time when I needed it was not wrong.
• Evaluate the friendship honestly. A true friend offers understanding—not punishment, judgment, or manipulation.

I was right to feel frustrated. I was right to feel confused. Her behavior was unfair and inconsistent.

Eventually, I had to stop chasing the friendship and hoping she would want to work things through. I had to step back. And I know, without a doubt, that if I had treated her the way she treated me—ignored her concerns, shut her down, or cut her out—she would have been deeply upset and seen me as cruel.

That’s the thing about double standards: they reveal themselves most clearly when you imagine flipping the roles.

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A Closing Reflection

Double standards slowly teach you to doubt yourself.
They make you question your needs, your memory, and your worth.

But clarity comes when you stop asking, “What did I do wrong?”
and start asking, “Why am I the only one being held to this standard?”

Walking away wasn’t giving up.
It was choosing fairness, self-respect, and peace.