Silent Treatment, Stonewalling, and Being Shut Out by Someone Who Claimed to Care

The next thing I want to talk about is silent treatment, stonewalling, and exclusion—because this was one of the most painful patterns I experienced.

Most of it happened in 2024 and 2025, but the first time it ever showed up was actually at the end of 2020 and the beginning of 2021. I didn’t fully understand what it was back then. I just knew it hurt.

Gina would use silence instead of communication whenever she made assumptions about my heart or intentions. Instead of asking me what was going on, she would decide what she thought I meant—usually from a negative place—and then act on that assumption as if it were fact.

A clear example is the situation I shared in the last post. I was overwhelmed, had severe anxiety, a baby, and a young child, and unintentionally went two months without reaching out. Instead of asking me what was happening, she decided I didn’t like her anymore—and then stayed silent for almost five months.

It always felt like this unspoken message:
“Oh, you’re pulling away? Then I’ll do it bigger. Longer.”

She didn’t communicate her hurt. She didn’t ask questions. She didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. She took her own thoughts and emotions as truth and ran with them.

What made it even more confusing—and more painful—was that she expected me to be the one to communicate first. If I didn’t reach out, she wasn’t going to either. And when she went silent on me for an entire year, she made a very deliberate choice: she continued acknowledging my husband while ignoring me.

She rarely interacted with him otherwise, but while refusing to speak to me, she responded to his holiday messages, his Mother’s Day text, and even sent gifts. To me, it felt intentional—like she wanted me to know I was being excluded.

And that hurt deeply.

I had been her “close” friend for nearly a decade. Yet instead of addressing things directly, she chose silence and exclusion. Whether she consciously planned it or not, it felt like punishment. And it worked—it caused real pain.

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What I’ve Come to Understand

Gina’s use of silent treatment and exclusion wasn’t about something I did wrong. It came from her—from unresolved issues, poor emotional regulation, unhealthy coping mechanisms, or projection.

Regardless of the reason, this kind of behavior erodes trust and emotional safety in a relationship.

I eventually did what I could. I asked for open communication and understanding. She ignored me. I chose not to chase her or call out the silence because I truly believed that acknowledging it would give her more control. Instead of engaging, she escalated—shutting me out further, using emotional distance, and even applying what felt like a “grey rock” approach rather than choosing to talk to me as a healthy friend would.

She kept the door open just enough—through my husband, through gifts—but refused real communication with me.

At some point, I had to choose myself. Because this was hurting me badly.

She had been hurting me for a long time—and while I do take responsibility for staying longer than I should have, I also give myself grace. I didn’t fully understand what was happening. Now I do.

What stands out to me the most is the irony: Gina used to talk to me about my MIL’s silent treatments—how damaging they were, what they meant, how hurtful they felt. And yet, she eventually did the exact same thing to me.

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Possible Reasons Behind This Behavior

There are several reasons someone may rely on silence and exclusion instead of communication:

• Emotional immaturity or poor regulation. Some people don’t know how to sit with uncomfortable feelings, so they punish instead of talk.
• Control and manipulation. Silent treatment is often about regaining power in the relationship. This feels like one of the biggest factors here.
• Projection. Insecurities or unresolved feelings get projected onto the person closest to them.
• Toxic traits. Chronic stonewalling, lack of accountability, and emotional punishment can point to deeper unresolved issues.
• Mental or physical health struggles. Changes in mental health, stress, or even untreated medical issues can impact behavior. I’m not diagnosing—just acknowledging that sometimes people change, and we’re left trying to understand why without being given closure.

My mom shared something with me that stuck. She had a cousin who treated her similarly—judgmental, morally superior, full of double standards, and emotionally cruel. Over time, that cousin’s behavior escalated, and eventually my mom had to cut contact for her own health.

Hearing those similarities helped me understand something important: sometimes people don’t suddenly become unsafe—we just finally see them clearly. Other times, unresolved issues worsen over time. Either way, it doesn’t make the behavior okay.

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How to Protect Yourself

Here’s what I’ve learned—and what I wish I had done sooner:

• Stop apologizing for things you didn’t do. Apologies reinforce the behavior. I did this far too often.
• Set boundaries and disengage. You don’t have to chase clarity from someone who refuses to communicate.
• Don’t participate in the power struggle. Silence meant to punish doesn’t deserve a reaction.
• Prioritize your well-being. Emotional safety matters more than preserving a relationship built on control or fear.

Sometimes people exclude you, ignore you, or keep you at arm’s length not because you did something wrong—but because you stopped playing the role they needed you to play.

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A Closing Reflection

Being shut out by someone who claimed to care is deeply painful.
But silence is not confusion—it’s communication.

And when someone repeatedly chooses distance, punishment, and exclusion over honesty and care, the healthiest response isn’t to fight harder.

It’s to step back, protect your peace, and let the silence tell you what words never would.